Protecting Your Peace: Why We Need to Stop the "Mom-petition"

I recently saw a post on Instagram that stopped me mid-scroll: “Yeah, I’ve changed. I focus on my kids, my growth, and my peace. There isn’t room for anything that takes away from that.”

That really stuck with me. I want that, especially the part about keeping your peace. To me, keeping the peace in our little corner of the world means saying no to things that take away from it, protecting our lives from unnecessary chaos, and refusing to "keep up with the Joneses" and their extensive, over-the-top Easter baskets.

The Problem: Boundaries vs. Perception

My issue is (and I’m sure some of you can relate) that I don’t want to be seen as an "undedicated" mom or, frankly, a b*tch.

If I say no to an invitation or a task that will bring chaos to our home or add to an already overflowing plate of responsibilities, I’m perceived as rude. If I don't feed into the consumerism of the holidays by filling baskets with endless clothes, toys, and candy, suddenly my dedication to my kids is questioned.

I really want to be that strong woman who looks systemic consumerism and mom-guilt in the eye and says, "No! I shall not!" confidently. But the truth is, it pangs me with guilt.

Peacekeepers vs. Peace-Makers

We have to realize that most of us were raised to be people pleasing peacekeepers rather than learning how to make peace through healthy boundaries. We are told to "set boundaries" for our mental health, but then we are judged the second we actually do.

Think about it: Do you want to be asked, "Hey, can you host this bridal shower?" and feel secure saying, "No, I don't have the capacity right now," knowing your relationship is strong enough for mutual understanding? Of course! But many of us can’t. We don’t want to be perceived as rude.

Then comes the comparison: "Oh, Stevie says she’s busy? Well, I have three kids and I still do all this!" But maybe our capacities are different? Maybe there are things going on behind the scenes that you don’t know about? We have no idea what people are dealing with behind the scenes.

A Call for Systemic Change

I don’t have all the solutions, but I have some ideas. They require a bit of a deep dive into uncomfortable reflection and changing the way we interact as a community.

1. Stop the Secret Competition

Motherhood, we have to stop competing with each other. We all hope we don’t, but we definitely do. You know who doesn't care about whose family received the fanciest Easter baskets? Dads. We need to take a page from their book and remove ourselves from the unnecessary rat race. Let’s bring back the old school classic: hidden chocolate eggs around the house! Let’s stop trying to make each other compete for "who did it best."

I am confident in saying that we are ALL doing our best. And that is enough.

2. Break the Martyrdom Narrative

We need to change the narrative that mothers should exert themselves to their breaking point just because "that’s what women do." Generations of women have hosted the parties, cleaned the houses, supplied the bake sales, and played Uber driver for every sports team, all while wearing a forced smile.

Give us a break! Why is complete selflessness the only standard for a "good" mother? To change this, let’s try something: If we ask a woman to do something and she says no, can we just accept that? Without assuming she's rude? Without comparing her to someone who "has it harder"? Let’s accept the "no" happily and move on.

We Are Allies, Not Rivals

I can’t speak for men because I can’t know the entirety of their experience. But based on how I see these similar situations unfold, my husband does not feel the pressure from his dad friends to go above and beyond for every holiday. He can securely say "no" to things without his friends and family coming down on him saying, "Oh, you think you have a lot going on? Listen to this!"

These are difficult, inherent, systemic, generational things to change, but it can be done. We need to be each other’s allies, not secret judges. Let's allow each other to keep our peace and release anything that takes away from it without the weight of judgment.

Motherhood, give yourself permission today to let go of the "shoulds." Your worth isn't measured by how exhausted you are or how many items are in an Easter basket.

You are doing an incredible job exactly as you are. Let’s choose peace over “perfection”, together.