Mom Guilt: Overcoming Guilt, Embracing Confidence, and Using Both to Thrive

Mom guilt. That dreaded feeling that seems inevitable. Where does it come from? How can we overcome it? Are there positives to this guilt? I am not an expert, I am a regular mom. A mom who feels guilt daily for arbitrary things and who lays in bed reflecting on the day thinking I should have done things different. This guilt we feel comes from feeling we are always doing something wrong - but honestly, does anyone have this parenting thing figured out? Everyone’s life circumstances, children, relationships, and life styles are different; it is impossible to find a one-size fits all solution. 

The Problem

Mom guilt is brought on by the unrealistic, romanticized, and socialized version of what a mother should be. We are inundated by media and society telling us what a “perfect” mom is. These unrealistic expectations seep into our inner monologue and we accept them as true. Women have been socialized to accept complete sacrifice of self as the norm. We are indirectly told that a mother who wants to achieve anything is selfish, and as women we never want to be perceived as selfish. Regardless if you are a stay at home mom, working mom, mother of one child, or mother of 5 children; these societal expectations are burned into our cores and it breeds guilt. 

Before becoming a mother I am sure we all felt good at at least one thing; a hobby or career. That was our wheel-house, that is where we were affirmed and soared. Now here we are, motherhood, where you cannot master anything. Each day is different, each child is different, we are making split second decisions all day long based on no prior knowledge or expertise. Things happen so quickly with children there is rarely time to weigh all options, research, and then act. We are solely relying on our intuition and emotional regulation (which, let’s be honest, with sleep deprivation and mental load our emotional regulation is on thin ice). Society doesn’t celebrate mothers for any choices. How can we feel affirmed which we are socialized to dislike each choice we make? Stay at home moms are criticized for not bringing in an income and having an “easy” job. Working moms are criticized for letting someone else raise their children and missing events. Moms who let their children use technology are criticized for being “lazy parents”. Moms who choose not to allow their children on technology are criticized for being pretentious. Moms with one child are criticized for being selfish. Moms with five children are criticized for being irresponsible. Please note I do not agree with any of these criticisms society perpetuates! 

We are all searching, clawing for that affirmation we once had. But we will not get it from our children (especially when they are small) and we will not get it from society. So where do we find it? How can we develop intrinsic affirmation and battle the all-encompassing guilt we feel? 

Maybe It’s Not All Bad?

The guilt we feel and the late night reflections we have can have a purpose, as long as we regulate it and reframe it positively. By taking time to reflect on the situation where you felt guilt and learning from that experience will support you in being the parent you want to me. Making the same decision that breeds guilt over and over will not support us in the long run. Ask yourself, what could I have done different? How would I have liked to respond? Then, give yourself grace. Forgive yourself. By the next day I am sure your child has already forgotten about it anyways! But, take this as an opportunity to learn from the event. 

Personal Story - Feel Free To Skip

My most recent learning experience from overwhelming guilt was with my 3 year old daughter. She started gymnastics in a non-parented class. This was a new parenting level unlocked! I brought a book and a coffee and was prepared to sit and relax while my daughter did gymnastics. This is not how the morning unfolded… My daughter was distraught! She was clinging onto my leg and crying uncontrollably. (Quick note: our son who was 7 months at the time was teething and up all night. Sleep deprivation was in full force). I was embarrassed - all the parents were looking at me and my internal monologue was saying, “all these mothers think you are a bad parent”, “all these parents are mean-mugging you because they want you to take your screaming child out of here”. So what did I do? I scooped her up and ran out of gymnastics, put her in the car and we drove home in silence. I felt sick about it. Why did I let the illusion of other people’s opinions make me act in a way that did not want? Why did I not snuggle her, sit with her, and help her feel safe? Why did I let my embarrassment upstage the emotional needs of my daughter? Not my proudest moment. So I thought long and hard about how I wish I had handled it. Next gymnastics class comes, we walk into the gym and she is clinging to my leg. I tell her, “why don’t we sit together and watch the class. If you feel you want to try it out then you can, if not, we can sit here and watch”. She was beaming. We sat there for a long long time. About ten minutes before the end of class she wanted to participate. I celebrated her for that! Each week she became more confident and I felt less guilty. 

What Are Our Needs?

Our needs as women do not disappear when we become mothers. I would argue that our needs amplify. We still have all the responsibilities and socially constructed expectations we had before children - now we are adding a spontaneous human to our list. Typically mothers are the default parent, which means the children come to you first and you are in charge of knowing what they need. If we are taking care of everyone else, who is taking care of us? Well, in short - you are. I will not preach self-care because I feel self-care has now become another thing we have to add to our to-do list, and that defeats the purpose of self-care. But at the same time, all of us need something that helps us regulate and feel confident about ourselves! We need to remind ourselves that we are great at things, we can achieve, we are more than a servant to others. For example: getting back into a hobby (you are good at this!), exercise (feeling like a hot mama), or reading (finishing a book is an amazing feeling); choose something that builds confidence, affirmation, and a feeling of achievement. 

Prioritize 

Mothers have 10000000 things to think about everyday and society doesn't help with this list. Did your child eat all organic foods today? Is your child enrolled in enough extra curricular activities? Is your child developing empathy through play with others? Is your child reading enough? Is your home decorated in a minimalist boho style? What are your priorities? As a family, what do you value? Of course we want our children to be well-rounded individuals; however, let’s be realistic, there are not enough minutes in the day to hit every unfeasible expectation. Decide what type of parent you want to be and what your top priorities are for your child to inherit, the rest will fall into place.

A few examples:

If your family places a high value on being outside, then let the housework fall lower on the priority list and get those kiddos out! Does your family place a high value on developing independence - then you will be late for everything, but who cares because your kiddo learned how to put on their own shoes.

In Conclusion..

Mom guilt will never go away. But, we can take that guilt by the horns are show it who is boss! We are in control. As The Motherhood, we need to support one another rather than perpetuating these unrealistic, often irrational, expectations we have been socialized to merely accept. Reframe your guilt, make positive changes, find that feeling of achievement again, prioritize, and most importantly, forgive yourself. When your child is scared and reaches for you, lean in, hold tight, there is your affirmation - you are the mother your child needs. Do not forget that.